i stare at the days unfolding on a calendar and think about how each day it gets harder and harder to get up in the morning.
in his eyes i don't exist.
therefore i'm not real,
anymore.
i'm sitting next to someone who had empty space to fill, and i decided to be their companion since no one would be mine. but then he catches my eye and i need to look away. he laughs and talks, his gestures big and cheery. all i can think of is how utterly empty i am inside, like i no longer have purpose. and maybe i finally imploded. they tell me i always need to try harder but lately all i feel like doing is hanging my head and letting my hair fall in front of my face. but my chest started heaving and i couldn't stop the flow of tears dripping down my cheek. my whole body shakes; i probably do a good job hiding all this becos the person next to me,
he never noticed a thing
and neither did the person who caused this
cos when i look at him,
i just feel like jumping off a cliff.
we haven't spoken in three days and i suppose this is okay to him. i like to think it's tearing him up inside though, cos the things under my skin have been liquified and threaten to spill from beneath my eyelids. lately i've been standing on the fringes and i'm barely catching a word they're shouting. all my friends say they support me and they know how i feel but i know it's a bunch of bullcrap that they say to me so i can shut up for the moment. they're scared of me; scared of all the emotions the wrench my stomach and cut my ribs. scared of the way i'm helplessly vulnerable, unstoppably needly. so now i've built a barrier around myself that's made me feel cold and tired. they all expect so much from me, and i can't keep up with their demands.
starved.
they don't listen when i say i'm giving up. they take this as another stupid scandal to get attention. i want to scream to them. no one truly understands: partly cos i don't let them and partly cos they never try to. somehow it doesn't matter anymore, cos i've been reduced to my mp3 player. an action that defines me? a head nestled in soft warm arms that were meant to hold him but never got an opportunity to cos of all the times he's pushed me away.
i'm so neglected i could commit suicide and no one would notice.
it hurts so much.
(you would not believe the countless verses, stanzas, lines going through my head today. this is only half of all those words that rant in my mind and i'm not satisfied. i'm such a forgetful person. but yes i'm quite empty right now.)
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